let me summarize the recent few weeks for you.

where do i start?

i had discover that i have some parasitic infection on both my feet.my parasite discovery had then led me to having to dispose my cats which i loved ever so dearly.had been going through this month's depression with severe outburst,one having to be me cutting my wrist again like a high school faggot.have not yet recruit members for my so called 'band'.gain weight.hair grew into an awful shag.have not been seeing any of my useless friends (most likely because they think I died or something).have lost sleep as my insomnia is getting worse.haven't spoke to my family members about anything in a while.

i don't know.somehow everything feels like shit almost every month of the year.and i am seeing no point having to  suffer this much any longer.i know my 'suffering' seems nowhere near poignant if compared to some poor Thailand prostitute (though i slightly doubt that,who wouldn't love to fuck for money?).why am i even still here? aside from the fact that i am too chicken shit to just effed myself like i would've.i hate everything about myself and i don't fucking care anymore.friends aren't friends for they don't even give a shit if i live or die.i know i sound immature.but lately i'm seeing that this negative being i'm becoming isn't some kind of youthful phase anymore.it's a rapture really.i hate calling this,whatever the fuck this is,as depression.i know i am dying inside and just dying to kill myself.anything to end this misery.anything to break this massive pattern.i can't imagine the countless times i just wish i could be someone else.someone who isn't as complex or as rotten as i am.perhaps i need faith.perhaps i need a way to finally end this life.

i am 20.20 years of nothing.i need me a suicide mission.god,i sound like a lame ass metalcore song.

good night fuckers.

I decided to build a montage to my personal demons.

I am a complicated being.without having to blame too much of the fact that my being female means I have to go through a downfall almost every month.too religiously infact,that not only it helps to scare those close to me but also myself.I don't intend to be this way.as my rebellious phase is over, now more than ever,I not only wish to be normal, I crave for it.I am an adult now.funny how things only get worse when your running out of  reasons to plea insanity.and that people can only believe you for so long,that they eventually lose track of how rotten you really are.and being as helpless as always,you have no option left but to just dwell with it. swallow the pain and move on.hoping to vomit along the way.but somehow,you never did.

I strongly disagree when a person tells me things will get better.hell,even I,my fucked up self, is the product of what would've been  better of a recent screwed up past.thus,the phrase is not only ridiculous,it is merely just wishful thinking of an in denial optimistic.of a moran actually.

the point of this post was to introduce myself.but my several attempts of doing so through out my 20 years of age tires me.therefore, I find such task unnecessary.besides,it will not only bore you but it serves you no purpose at all.let me be anonymous.perhaps me being discreet might help me deal with this.or not.

fuck it. I am out of words.good night imaginary audience.good night.